Face-Masks Essential If They’re Cool Ones, Confirm Government 4 Months Into Pandemic


THE government have finally settled on a position when it comes to the mandatory use of face-masks in public as a measure against Covid-19, as long as the public can ensure the masks they wear aren’t super-depressing or homemade or anything like that.

Out go regular pale-blue medical grade PPE masks, and in are masks emblazoned with cool artwork, after months of conflicting evidence from scientists and politicians regarding the effectiveness of the face wear.

“I saw a guy in town the other day with just a plain black face-mask, but he had sharp teeth and a red tongue on it, making him look, only at a glance mind you, like the Spider-Man villain Venom; something like that is 100% acceptable, and exactly what we’re looking for” said possibly-current Taoiseach Leo Varadkar.

“On the other hand, I saw at least 30 people, one after the other, all wearing those disposable blue nurses masks and… no, I don’t think that’s where we need to be right now. We may be in the middle of a devastating global pandemic, but I don’t see why we have to look like we are”.

Pop-culture slogans or not, the use of face-masks remains divisive among the public, with the government still not willing to enforce the use for fear of ‘a bit of a kick-off’.

“Say we make it illegal to go out in public without a mask; what happens then if people just show up with no masks? Who needs that hassle?” asked Varadkar, browsing the web for a face mask that would make him look like Shredder from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

“Don’t you think we’ve enough to be doing at the minute, without having to enforce laws? Give us a break, holy shit like”.