First Communion Kids Apply For Covid Payment


THE GOVERNMENT is today answering questions from a union of First Communion-aged boys and girls from across the country who are applying for a bailout programme to offset financial losses incurred by the cancellation of their Holy Communion ceremonies thanks to Covid-19.

Thousands of under-10s were scheduled to make their First Holy Communion and rake in up to €1,000 each over the last few months until the arrival of the Coronavirus, with those same children now looking to the government for answers about where their cash is.

With the Communion economy already having devastating effects on both the bouncing castle industry and the cocktail sausage industry, the government are under pressure to ensure that the knock-on effects of zero Communion money on the toy industry and the Credit Unions of Ireland are as minimised as possible; but the government are remaining tight-lipped on what, if anything, they can do.

“For many, this money forms the basis of their savings account well into adulthood. For others, it means an Xbox” said Minister for Finance Paschal Donohoe.

“And while we’d love to set all these future voters up with a subsidy, there are fears that granting the children access to a bailout fund might result in a similar request from Confirmation kids, which could be followed by a 21st-birthday fund bailout; where does it end? But look, we’ll do something, we’re just not sure what. Perhaps we’ll give our favourite kids a tenner each, and a fiver to the ones we only sort of like. That’s how it normally works anyway, right?”

Meanwhile the Catholic Church have rubbished the idea that they will pay for the bailout, stressing that there’s nine other scandals that they’re busy not paying for.