Eco-Friendly Austerity & Brown Hemp Envelopes: Inside Ireland’s Next Government

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WITH a programme for government set to be discussed by Fianna Fáil, Fine Gael and the Green Party on Thursday, WWN has gained unprecedented access to potential future policies, ‘red lines’ and inter-party disagreements. Just what will eco-friendly austerity and brown hemp envelopes involve?

  • Ryan, trying to avoid a repeat of 2008 when The Green Party were pushed around in government by Fianna Fáil, has secured a commitment from Fianna Fáil that all brown envelopes will now have to be made from hemp.
  • Fianna Fáil and Fine Gael insiders confirmed that while “we didn’t want to heap pain on the tax payer with slow predictable cuts to essential services, boy is this Pandemic the perfect excuse.” However further concessions to the Greens have been made; out of work bees will qualify for the dole, and wolves can avail of the bike to work scheme.
  • An increase in wind turbine installations will be agreed upon, provided Varadkar and Martin can watch from a safe distance as Ryan explains why they’re needed to angry locals.
  • Eco-friendly austerity is a ‘red line’, meaning all soon to be homeless people will be housed in recyclable cardboard boxes. Fine Gael recommends that the homeless community are to be given an ethnic minority status to allow them be homeless without being stigmatised for it, while also forfeiting any action taken by government to combat the fact they’re homeless.
  • Dublin Metro North line to finally open by 2064 under the condition it be fueled entirely by used chip oil. ‘The Unforeseen Pandemic’ will officially replace ‘Brexit’ as the defence for all and any policy decisions that decimate the poor.
  • Ryan will be the first of three rotating Taoiseachs after he said “raise your hand if you were elected on the first count”.’Trendy Taoiseach at Electric Picnic’ duties to also be rotated yearly.
  • FF/FG have agreed to rename ‘carbon tax’ the ‘Car Ban tax’ while also honouring their commitment to not really be bothered with funding infrastructure for cyclists or pedestrians
  • A potential return to Civil War fighting between FF/FG must take place in fields that aren’t earmarked for re-wilding.
  • Although tax income will be decimated by an explosion in unemployment and a drop in GDP, the Greens insist they will leave it to the next government involving Labour to completely shaft students and young people, as is tradition.
  • “If my party are to be steamrolled I demand it be done by an electric powered steamroller, or at the very least, a hybrid” confirmed Ryan. In exchange, Ryan has offered Fianna Fáil members a biodegradable casket to bury Martin in, the second he agrees to power sharing with ‘those pro-treaty bastards’.

Elsewhere, an understandably irate voter who, like 110% of the nation, gave Sinn Féin his first preference, has reiterated what a disgrace this all is by stating ” you know, Sinn Féin wouldn’t have let this global pandemic happen is they were in power”.

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