Local Man Appoints Himself World’s Foremost Expert On Coronavirus

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RAISING a hand drawn certificate with the words ‘Coronvilus Espert!’ on it above his shoulders in dignified celebration, one staggeringly unqualified man has confirmed, via every comment section below articles on Coronavirus, that he is the preeminent expert on the virus.

“It’s all bullshit,” Darren Frehily (44) wrote in a peer reviewed research paper which took the form of a comment he wrote below an article he didn’t read which outlined the latest important information from health officials.

The world’s experts in autoimmune diseases are said to be reeling from the 44-year-old call centre manager’s incisive observations and stream-of-consciousness idiocy, and fearing his towering intellect would render them redundant, have resigned en masse.

“Yeah but what aren’t they telling us!?” added Frehily on social media with irritating frequency while also explaining that Covid-19 was either a bio weapon created by the Chinese when one man had sex with bat soup or created by the Illuminati when they got particularly bored one evening.

Now seemingly taking a wrong turn somewhere on the internet Frehily passionately called for all bone China tea sets to be blown up and for all pizzas to be quarantined on Mars below an article which was actually about the recently announced TV special featuring a reunion of the cast of ‘Friends’.

Frehily’s severely limited knowledge of acute respiratory infections and the logistics of international cooperation hasn’t gone unnoticed by a public desperate for answers from ‘fuck-all-clue-gobshites who failed Junior Cert science’.

“Wow, this guy in the comment section who says I’ve nothing to worry about but also how it’s a government conspiracy that will kill us all seems to know what’s what. It’s crazy to think I was listening to health officials” observed one reader of some of Frehily’s 9,203 Coronavirus related comments on theJournal.ie so far this week.

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