William & Kate Visit To Go Ahead Despite Nobody Giving A Fuck


THE visit to Ireland of the Duke & Duchess of Cambridge is to press ahead, in direct opposition to evidence that nobody on the island really gives ‘a flying fiddler’s fuck’, WWN can confirm.

It had been widely believed that the three-day visit in which William and Kate will attend events in Dublin, Meath, Kildare and Galway would be called off due to lack of interest, as well as fears that innocent Irish people would be exposed to potentially dangerous doses of Britishness.

Concerns are now growing for 78-year-old Michael D. Higgins who will greet the Royals today, with many believing the elderly president may not have what it takes to not succumb to West Brit-ness during their visit.

“Common sense should have kicked in here; if the rugby is called off because of the Coronavirus, then this visit should have been called off because who gives a shit?” stated one member of the public we spoke to.

“Me? I’m going to self-isolate for three days until they piss off back to Britain. Muted them on Twitter, I’m not going to leave the house while they’re in town, and I’m going to certainly avoid the inevitable 20-minute fawning segment on the Six-One every night”.

Citizens have been advised that alcohol is useful to remain Royal-free over the next few days; in the form of handwash, sure, but also by consuming it.