MINISTER for Communications Richard Bruton has asked the company set to receive the contract for the National Broadband Plan, Granahan McCourt, to elaborate on their plans to connect over a half a million Irish homes with fibre power broadband. WWN has the full transcript of the call below.

NBP Line: Hello, and welcome to Granahan McCourt’s National Broadband Plan hotline. Please press one for residential. Two for business. Or three for Government inquiries.

PRESSES ONE.

Richard Bruton: Ah balls, I meant to press three.

NBP Line: Thank you for you call. All our representatives are busy right now due to cost queries. If your call is querying the cost of the National Broadband Plan we can confirm the cost at being two billion euros. For all other queries, please stay on the line.

PRESSES TWO

Richard Bruton: Aw for Christ’s sake. Three! Fucking three I meant to press. Stupid phone.

NBP Line: Thank you for you call. All our representatives are busy right now due to cost queries. If your call is querying the cost of the National Broadband Plan we can confirm the cost at being at five billion euros. For all other queries, please stay on the line.

PRESSES THREE

Richard Bruton: Finally…

NBP Line: Hello?

Richard Bruton: Oh! That was quick. Am, it’s Richard Bruton here, Minister for Communications?

NBP Line: Ah, yes, Richard, sorry I didn’t answer your messages earlier. I looked at them and forgot to reply. Flat out here. You know yourself

Richard Bruton: David?

NBP Line: Hey, what’s the craic?

Richard Bruton: Mr. McCourt, the NBP; the people are asking me about the cost and what you’re contributing.

NBP Line: Sure, you know the fucking cost, Dick. It’s five billionish.

Richard Bruton: Yes, but the cost to you, David. They want to know that.

NBP Line: Ha-ha, oh Dick, ha-ha-ha-ha, you know that too.

Richard Bruton: But Frank, I can’t tell them you’re only paying 200mn but will own the five billion network after 25 years. They’ll lynch me back home. And the rest of us.

NBP Line: Look, it’s a tough sell and there may be another tribunal, but sure, we’ll all have made enough money by then to surf through it. Denis too.

Richard Bruton: Ah for fuck sake, David. Just tell them the cost. We’ve faces to save here.

NBP Line: Don’t worry, don’t worry, you’ll be out of office when the shit hits the proverbial fan at that stage and we can put you on the board for a nice fee. Keep your trap shut and plough on.

Richard Bruton: Board wage? On top of my pension pot?

NBP Line: You know it, baby. Tell Leo and the lads that there’ll be board jobs for them too.

Richard Bruton: Jesus, David. You’re an awful man.

NBP Line: Ha-ha, sure, where would I be got?

Richard Bruton: Ha-ha, what will I tell these great unwashed. Jesus. There’s an election brewing now too.

NBP Line: I’m sure you crafty fuckers will think of something to distract them. Find a scandal on Sinn Féin or something.

Richard Bruton: Look, go on ya scamp. Off with ya.

NBP Line: G’wan, Dick. I’ll chat to you soon. It’ll be grand. It’s fucking Ireland – they’ll take it like they always do.

CONVERSATION ENDS