WHILE the media and card carrying members of the I’ve More Money Than Sense club paid to attend Dublin’s Pendulum summit for the chance to hear Boris Johnson speak in person at the Convention Centre hosted talk, WWN burned our press credentials and chucked them in a nearby bin before strolling over to the nearest pet shop in a search of a more worthwhile use of our time.
As everyone laughed at funny man Boris Johnson, who recently failed to declare £52,000 in earnings to British parliament, we walked into a branch of Pets ‘R Us.
Undoubtedly a lovable rogue, Johnson, a man who cheated on his wife, fathered a child with his mistress and then sought to hide the existence of the child through court injunctions, was being terribly entertaining and funny in front of an enraptured audience. WWN was not there however, as we were now repeating some key terms of the Good Friday Agreement to our parrot who we had now named Smarter Than Boris.
Smarter Than Boris did not have floppy hair and did not make random nonsensical references to Greek Mythology but he did now know more than Boris Johnson about Northern Ireland.
“The EU are firm on the Withdrawal Agreement, the backstop will not be altered,” squawked Smarter Than Boris, getting to grips with the very basics of facts which have eluded Johnson thus far.
Being terribly, terribly entertaining and self-deprecating, Johnson, who during his time as editor of The Spectator commissioned pieces which claimed black people had lower IQs than white people, regaled the Irish audience with some witty anecdotes which WWN confessed it missed due to our decision to make a parrot more knowledgeable than a man regarded by many as Britain’s worst ever Foreign Secretary.
Smarter Than Boris, an Amazon parrot, continued to improve his vocabulary as we schooled him on the meaningless of the phrase ‘Brexit means Brexit’, displaying the sort of mental alacrity that has evaded Johnson, Smarter Than Boris soon began saying “these liars can’t deliver what they promise, real people are going to suffer” over and over again.
We were only one hour into our tutelage of the parrot and yet the results were encouraging. Less encouraging was the scene unfolding at the Convention Centre where Johnson, who as London Mayor spent £37 million of taxpayers money on a garden bridge that was never built, was play fighting with broadcaster Brian Dobson.
“How can you claim you’ll give £350 million to the NHS, on what authority could he say that? He wasn’t even a government minister at the time? Can he be sued for fraud” squawked Smarter Than Boris, becoming increasingly frustrated by his intellectual inferior’s behaviour.
WWN realised the error of its ways as by teaching the parrot of Johnson’s life of failing upwards while repeatedly lying in a mendacious fashion, we had begun to send Smarter Than Boris on a path to certain insanity.
“He makes no sense,” bawked the parrot, slowly going insane.
“People pay money to see this xenophobic charlatan? Why does he ignores the facts, why do they keep listening to him, why is he on fucking RTÉ getting a free pass while spouting shite,” Smarter Than Boris said before throwing himself off a window ledge, refusing to fly he plummeted to his demise. We sought out our receipt from Pets ‘R Us to read their return policies.
Elsewhere, Johnson finished up his Pendulum talk to warm applause from his Irish audience.