Dublin Set To Give Tyrone 12-Point Head Start In All-Ireland Final


IN A BID to give the upcoming All-Ireland senior football final the false sense that Dublin could be usurped in some way by Tyrone, the Dublin panel have agreed to give Tyrone a 12-point head start to ‘make things fair’.

“I feel numb,” confirmed one Dublin star, who was weighed down by a variety of medals he accumulated shortly after playing his first ever game for the county, “yeah cool, 12 points, 50 points whatever, anything to just…feel alive again”.

Football, erroneously referred to as ‘just about the most boring thing on the planet’ when compared to hurling or a variety of other sports, could be jolted back into life and have some competitiveness injected into proceedings thanks to Dublin’s generous offer of a 12-point head start.

“Am I supposed to feel joy? This is but a routine result, arrived at thanks to the automaton-like use of my limbs, I am a cog in a glorious machine with my other colleagues,” confirmed another Dublin star, GAA-bot 40Z-1PQ-9037, shortly after Dublin beat Galway, booking their place in the 2018 final in the process.

Despite being handed a 12-point lead in the final, many people have been in touch with Tyrone to offer their help in securing the Sam Maguire trophy.

“Security at Croke Park is fairly lax of a Monday I think. So if we pose as a group of American tourists or something, here put this on! We can just break the glass, take Sam. Floor it up North and be over the border in no time,” confirmed one member of the public as he backed a truck up at an unmanned Croke Park exit.