DROVES of Irish fans have reported symptons closely associated with an ‘out of body experience’ following Ireland’s gallant on-the-front-foot performance against Denmark last night at the Aviva. “It was like I was above my body, not in it and I could see the Irish players doing utterly mad stuff like successfully passing to one another,”… Read more »
AFTER numerous 6-year-old children failed to adequately calm him down by pointing out “it’s only a game of fucking football, relax” Man City manager Pep Guardiola still has a constant stream of steam emanating from his ears following his team’s 3-1 loss to Liverpool, much to the displeasure of his wife, Cristina. Despite nearly 24-hours… Read more »
LEADING the league by 8 points, Everton in the relegation zone, Manchester City losing and Manchester United in a constant state of hilarious turmoil has led Liverpool fans this morning to express a very real worry that this is all a dream and they are due to wake up at any moment. In a bid… Read more »
SPORTS fans are being urged to “pick a fucking lane” after bitter complaints that VAR is ruining games left and right, despite decades of calling for VAR to prevent games being ruined. VAR, short for Video Assistant Referee, was brought in to combat close calls such as penalty decisions, red card calls and goal-mouth scrambles,… Read more »
HALO wearing patron saint of Irish football John Delaney has suddenly resigned from the FAI with immediate effect in the surest sign yet that he has done nothing wrong, with no one finding the fact this has happened eight days ahead of the publication of a forensic audit report into the FAI suspicious at all…. Read more »
A MISSING PERSON’S alert has been issued for a 28-year-old man last seen purchasing the latest edition of the highly addictive FIFA football game series release earlier this week. Donal Canlinn told friends and family he was heading to GameStop to buy FIFA 20 on Wednesday, but his worried loved ones have not seen of… Read more »
THERE were jubilant scenes at Croke Park on Saturday evening following Dublin’s thrilling All-Ireland victory against ah who are we kidding, nobody gave a fuck then and nobody gives a fuck now. Claiming an historic fifth consecutive All-Ireland victory, the Dubs… actually, no, now that we read that first paragraph again, there weren’t any ‘jubilant… Read more »
WATERFORD schoolkid Brendan Biron is under orders to be on his best behaviour today, under threat of the gravest punishment of all; being forced to sit through a Republic Of Ireland Euro qualifier. Biron, 9, had been ‘acting the pup’ all day, until his father Jeremy and his mum Eileen told him in no uncertain terms… Read more »
ERASING from his memory the countless times he called Liverpool’s Super Cup match against Chelsea ‘a meaningless friendly’, Reds fan Eoin Healy has now enthusiastically confirmed it is actually yet another historic night for the club. “Always said this was a massive game for us,” confirmed Healy, who had prepared a ‘fuck it, it’s only… Read more »
THE LEAGUE that Sky Sports refers to as the best in the world because it lost its shirt buying the rights to is back with a bang this weekend. Hot on the heels of the transfer window closing, teams have spent big and expectations are high but just what will happen in the season ahead?… Read more »