Roy Keane Just Wants Five Minutes Alone With Man Utd Players


WITH the new Premier League season fast approaching Manchester United legend Roy Keane has politely asked newly installed manager Erik Ten Hag if he can have five minutes alone with his squad.

“Just want to wish them well ahead of the new season. Positive affirmations, maybe a nice group selfie, lead a meditation exercise, that sort of thing,” said Keane, a bulging vein on his bulging vein clearly visible on his forehead.

“This is the most exciting and optimistic time of the year, I used to love it as a player hashtag positive vibes Erik,” added Keane trying to cement his altruistic intentions, despite at the same time carrying several implements of torture banned by the UN under the United Nations Convention Against Torture.

Keane is believed to be among millions of Manchester United well-wishers whose expectations for the players is well rooted in reality, with hopes for the players nowhere near as high as their exorbitant wages.

“It’s such a shame Pogba isn’t here anymore, would have loved to… motivate him in person,” sighed Keane

“Is Ronnie around? I’m looking to leave the Brighton game early and need a lift,” asked Keane, now carrying about structural tests of United’s facilities by repeatedly punching the wall.

Ten Hag, a modern coach open to all ideas, was more than happy to permit Keane to talk with the players provided a fully operational A&E department could be installed at United’s Carrington training ground.