Haaland Given New Software Update After Liverpool Defeat


SEVERAL behind-the-scenes members of Manchester City’s technical support staff have been fired in the wake of the club’s 1-0 defeat to Liverpool after failing to update Erling Braut Haaland’s software, WWN Sports can reveal.

“It’s the easiest job in the world to tick ‘yes’ to automatic updates. Should have been the first you did after unboxing him,” raged City manager Pepe Guardiola, despite his side and Haaland’s strong start to the season.

Haaland, a state of the art striker with settings permanently set to easy mode on FIFA while playing two-player except no one else is controlling the opposition controller, failed to register a goal yesterday prompting some pundits to conclude he is a gigantic flop.

“I don’t care if we have to ‘crack’ him and we lose our warranty he needs to be set to ‘murder mode’ for the big games,” Guardiola said in response to one staff member claiming the job of updating the Norwegian Bond henchman no.3 was the responsibility of an intern.

New features included in the iOS Haaland 17.3 include not being outplayed by Joe Gomez.

Despite Guardiola’s not so secret desire to play eleven 5ft 8″ midfielders in a trench coat instead of Haaland, the former Dortmund player still remains the most lethal goalscoring force in the Premier League.

Elsewhere, Liverpool have abandoned all hope of having Darwin Nunez fitted with a pair of eyes which would come in useful on the occasions Mohamed Salah is available for easy tap-ins.