Putin To Send Crack Team Of FSB Agents To Europe To Cough On Everyone

RUSSIAN LEADER Vladimir Putin has reassured his US counterparts and officials from the WHO that Russian authorities will provide full transparency surrounding the circumstances around the death from the pneumonic plague of a Siberian lab technician, WWN can report.

The 74-year-old is also assembling a crack team of FSB agents who have oddly all reported feeling very sniffly and congested of late, WWN can also report.

“I want only the most nasally, mucus-filled operatives for this most pressing of tasks carried out in the name of Mother Russia,” confirmed Putin to senior FSB figures.

“Anyone with a history of hay fever, they’re in. Anyone with no table manners and never cover their mouth when sneezing – they’re in. We’re talking annoying ear-shattering coughers who have no regard for the people around them,” continued Putin in his briefing to security services.

Sources close to WWN confirmed that firing ranges have been converted so that FSB agents can practice coughing their saliva particles 40 metres in the distance onto shooting target paper made up of the outline of a human’s silhouette.

“Cramped lifts, busy Metro carriages, queues for tourists attractions, if you’re not coughing on every person you see just know that you’ll have no family to come home to. Wow this will be so much easier than clandestine sabotage of European transport and energy infrastructure,” warned Putin in a stirring speech to FSB recruits, delivering from behind 10 foot thick plexiglass.

Meanwhile, your uncle Michael who spent 5 years on Facebook talking non-stop about secret bio-weapon labs in Ukraine has been happy to take every word from Russian authorities at face value and sees no need to speculative on the news.