‘Don’t Approach Any Liverpool Fans Today’ Warning Issued

“LEAVE ALL WhatsApp groups containing Liverpool fans. Block every Liverpool fan on your contact list. Arrive at work wearing sound proof earmuffs. Do not make eye contact with coworkers wearing full kits to work. We repeat do not approach Liverpool fans.”

Blaring from hidden speaker systems in communities up and down Britain and throughout Europe, the emergency warning, enacted moments after Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain smashed it home from outside the box 20 minutes into his team’s Champions League quarter-final tie against Manchester City, sought to aid the public in the fight against excitable and adrenaline fueled Liverpool fans.

Individuals wishing to save themselves from insufferable Liverpool fans who are intent on describing each goal in unnerving detail while showing you replays on their phones, despite the fact you’ve already seen them, have been asked to heed all ‘do not approach Liverpool fans today’ warnings.

The warning issued by football fan support groups will remain in place indefinitely if Liverpool don’t lose unexpectedly to Everton on Saturday, and then go on to triumph in the second leg against City next week.

“Do not approach Liverpool fans under any circumstances. If you want to lose upwards of an hour of your life to delirious chants, shouting and jeers, then by all means, ask them what they though about the game last night. But if they don’t fuck it up in the second league all I’ll say is may God have mercy on us all,” one expert in gloating football fans explained to WWN Sport.