We Interview Arlene Foster’s Uncontrolled Rage


KEEN to make sense of a helter skelter 24 hours of Brexit negotiations, WWN secured an exclusive interview with the sole reason a deal on the border wasn’t struck sometime yesterday morning.

DUP leader Arlene Foster’s uncontrolled rage took centre stage yesterday after being offered a chance to secure the people of Northern Ireland into a future with no hard border, and an ease of movement free from regulatory red tape which could prevent economic hardship.

Foster’s uncontrolled rage, a heaving red mass which shines disturbingly bright, agreed to meet WWN in a cafe in the Cathedral Quarter of Belfast earlier this morning for what turned out to be a frank exchange of thinly veiled hate.

So, Foster’s rage, you are adamant you don’t want Northern Ireland to be different from the rest of UK?

Inaudible and cavernous bellowing began emanating from the stomach area of Foster herself. What little clarity could be ascertained only made mention of ‘flags’ and how Ireland’s Taoiseach was ‘an abomination’.

Yet, Northern Ireland, unlike the rest of the UK, has no access to abortion, no access to marriage equality and is agitating for 12.5% corporation tax, lower than the rest of UK?

At this point Foster’s rage deposited a significant amount of bile onto the table we shared with it.

You must be delighted to be in a unique position to deliver a great deal for all of Northern Ireland, one that could benefit people for generations to come and put yet another nail in the coffin of sectarianism?

Our line of questioning, which highlighted a potential future of harmony and prosperity throughout the North, seemed to anger Foster’s rage further and it began to expand ominously, pulsing and crackling.

Are…are you afraid the Queen doesn’t love you, like you love her?

Foster’s rage expanded further, leaving us with no choice but to flee the cafe from a safer position. In an attempt to calm Foster’s rage we began rattling off a near endless list of positives that no one in their right mind could object to.

Children from both communities playing together, prospering side by side. A soft border, which doesn’t tank the North’s economy. Laughter. Kindness. People working together. An energy scheme that isn’t outrageously corrupt. Happiness…

Despite our best efforts to talk Foster’s rage down, it was at the mention of these wonderful things, the rage and Foster with it, exploded causing untold damage to those nearby.