Local Idiot 100% Certain Everyone Making Up Sexual Harassment Claims


RESPONDING, unprompted, to the thousands of men and women who continue to emerge to bravely share their experiences of sexual harassment and assault, one pioneering local man has used several of his brain cells to confirm his feeling that they’re making it all up.

Citing no facts when citing fact checked and verified incidents, and fueled by his lack of empathy for anyone who isn’t himself, 28-year-old David Duncloudy, confirmed on social media earlier this week that he ‘isn’t having ne of dat stuff about ppl saying der assalted or harassed, der only looking for attenshun’. The post, which could have just as easily been written by an armless monkey mashing a banana into a laptop keyboard with its head, disappointingly received as many as 4 likes.

Backed up by his girlfriend, Rebecca Clarnane, who met David under circumstances eerily close to the ones described by victims of people who could be facing criminal charges for what they’ve done, confirmed that she doubts any of it is real because how could it be if it involved a famous person she was quite fond of.

Worryingly it is believed both Clarnane and Duncloudy, best described using words you just can’t get away with saying anymore these days, are allowed vote.

“You can’t say boo to a ghost these days,” Duncloudy added, before referencing ‘harmless fun, banter and craic’ which are actually criminal offences, because they are illegal and punishable under the law.

“In it for the fame they are,” Duncloudy claimed, forgetting that making formal complaints to employers and the police about unwarranted harassment by an individual rarely results in getting a place on I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, Duncloudy’s favourite show.

It is expected Duncloudy is set to maintain his stance for much of his life until one day, one of his two daughters breaks down in tears during dinner when he again asserts for the 3,456th time in his life that these claims are all just made up.