“I Placed Myself Under House Arrest” Confirms Mugabe

IN AN attempt to clear up the confusion surrounding recent events in Zimbabwe, which saw the military seize power and place the country’s President Robert Mugabe under house arrest, the 93-year-old President has confirmed he placed himself under house arrest.

“What a normal thing to do, put oneself under house arrest,” Mugabe confirmed in a television address shortly after his first public appearance since the not-a-coup, “this is a sign of my total power, only I can place myself voluntarily under house arrest”.

It is alleged the army arrested several high profile members of Zimbabwe’s ruling party after rumours circulated that Mugabe intended to name his wife, Grace Mugabe, as his vice-president.

“What a normal thing to do, put oneself under house arrest, yes, this is correct. Everything is fine, no coup. I am treating myself well. I am feeding myself regular meals and have not beaten myself,” Mugabe added as a gun, pointed towards his head, could be seen bobbing in and out of shot on TV.

“I am definitely still the leader of this country, despite the fact it may look like the military want me to resign immediately and allow for a bloodless transition of power,” Mugabe added, in the clearest indication yet that he retains complete control over a country he has ruled and ruined for over 40 years.