“I Actually Hate Triers,” Admits God
“I DON’T know where people got the notion that I’m a fan of failure,” mused a perplexed God, in yet another sit-down interview with his favourite Waterford-based online publication.
“Did I commend Noah for ‘having a go’ at the Ark? Did I say ‘hey, Moses, do your best at taking them Israelites out of Egypt but if you fuck it up, no harm, no foul?’ It baffles me how people think I’m this big advocate of ‘trying’. Honest to Me, like”.
The deity pulled up several YouTube videos on his iPhone 9s, flicking through scene after scene of people attempting to accomplish tasks with minimal or no success.
“Look at the hack of this peabrain making a cake,” moaned God, beckoning for an angel to fly out and get him a flat white.
“Does he call that baking? The thing is fucking burned. And there he is, laughing like a moron. ‘LOL, God loves a trier!’ Hey, newsflash jackass. No I fucking don’t! And then you have this other idiot over here, lying his ass off to try to get a discount in a shop and getting nowhere. ‘Oh well, God loves a trier!’ Incorrect! I think I’ll have a bus drive across this moron just to teach him a lesson”.
God went on to state that people who use the ‘God loves a trier’ line after failing to chat up people much more attractive than them are ‘the honest to fuck absolute worst’.