Enda Kenny Confirms Intention To Remain As Taoiseach Until Simon Harris Hits Puberty


CITING his responsibility as an old and wise father figure, Taoiseach Enda Kenny has confirmed the need to stay on as leader of the country until Minister for Health Simon Harris has been guided through his awkward teenage phase and concurrent successful triumph against prepubescence.

“It would be irresponsible of me to leave at such a crucial time for Simon and his development into manhood,” the Taoiseach said of the 30-year-old minister.

The Taoiseach denied this new commitment was a cynical ploy to stay in office from anywhere between 10-15 more years.

“Ah nonsense, c’mon I had to stay on for the trip to Washington on Paddy’s Day, then there’s all this Brexit stuff, now it’s a Wednesday which is a bit of an odd day to announce stepping down, better to do it on a Monday but next Monday doesn’t suit and now all this Simon puberty business. It’s best I stay on until that’s all sorted,” the Taoiseach added.

Despite the strong case made by the Fine Gael leader, political experts remain very weary of his pronouncements.

“All available experts have said Harris’s blossoming into a raging ball of post-pubescent hormones could be as many as 10 years away, and the cheek of the Taoiseach to act like he doesn’t know what he’s doing. Some of these guys are even suggesting Harris may never reach puberty, Enda could have sinister plans to govern well into his 90s for all we know,” shared political consultant Barry Jeffries.

Meanwhile, Leo Varadkar and Simon Coveney are considering to sit Harris down for ‘the talk’ in a bid to kick-start his puberty and hasten the Taoiseach’s official resignation.