Ireland To Finally Invest In Crowd-Counting Machine


AFTER years of furious debate as to the actual number of people who turn out for protest marches across the country, Irish people have come together to finally invest in a machine capable of counting how many protesters are on our streets at any given time.

With the government happy to leave the actual crowd figures open to debate and state broadcaster RTÉ happy to please the government, attendance figures for protests in Ireland have suffered from inaccuracies with no side willing to agree on the actual number of people marching.

Although this has been a problem with water protests, austerity protests, and industrial disputes, the problem reached peak Irish, following yesterday’s International Women’s Day protest in Dublin, which was attended by anywhere between 2,000 and 12,000 people depending on who you talk to.

This disparity in crowd number estimation was deemed ‘pretty fucking incredible’ by both pro-choice and pro-life sides, and a plan was drawn up to purchase a Crowdomatic 2000 counting machine, which uses real-time technology to calculate crowd sizes to the nearest 10 people.

“We say 12k, they say 2k, we call them liars, they call us liars, nobody wins,” said one Strike4Repeal advocate earlier today.

“So okay, we’ll get a counter yoke. That way at least we’ll be able to spend our time and energy fighting our cause, and not have to spend a week arguing over who’s right about the numbers. Look at the Trump inauguration for example; that whole country could burn to the ground and he’d still be trying to argue that his crowd was bigger than Obama’s”.

Meanwhile a spokesperson for the government has announced that they’re ‘not wild’ about having official crowd figures out there, stating that they’d rather everyone ‘just go with whatever the guards say’ instead.