Man Who Paid TV Licence Can’t Wash That Dirty Feeling Away

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LOCAL man Derek Henstridge has admitted that he feels his body is covered in an invisible filth that only he can see and that no amount of washing will remove, after finally paying his TV licence for the first time in his life.

After relenting to pleas from his wife to ‘just pay the fucking thing’, Henstridge forked over the sum of 160 euro for a TV licence, despite the fact that he streams stuff to his telly from his laptop, or sometimes watches Netflix through his PlayStation 4.

Almost immediately after the transaction Henstridge claims to have felt like the stars of RTÉ TV and radio were ‘laughing at him’, recalling an instance where Ryan Tubridy seemed to be sneering directly at him through the TV during the Late Late Show.

Feeling trapped in a claustrophobic nightmare of dirt that only he could see, the 36-year-old father of none has taken shower after scalding shower, but still ‘cannot wash the dirt away’.

“I just feel filthy, inside and out,” said Henstridge, watching a promo for the Francis Brennan’s South East Asian Sex Tourism Adventure.

“The dirt is under my nails. It’s in my nostrils It’s in every pore. I’ve gone through a big bottle of Radox every hour since I paid the licence, and I still feel disgusting. Don’t look at me, don’t touch me. I feel so violated”.

To date, there is no known cure for the feeling of being an idiot that comes with paying your television licence fee, and RTÉ have expressed no interest in finding one.

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