Trump’s Inauguration Line-Up Finally Revealed

WITH just days to go before Donald Trump is inaugurated as the 45th president of the United States, the line-up of artists for the inaugural ball has finally been revealed.

With swarms of top-list talents from across the world of show business refusing to perform at the glitzy event, many were wondering just who was left for Trump’s campaign team to approach. But with time running out, the Republican party have spared no expense to make sure that Trump’s inauguration line-up is one that will go down in history as the greatest of all time. Here’s who’s showing up…

1) The Ann Coulter Rhythm n’ Blues Quartet

Fronted by ultra-conservative journalist and relatively competent clarinet player Ann Coulter, this foursome will take centre stage on the 20th January, filling the ballroom with some funky tunes. Renowned polemicist Coulter is as yet untested in the world of music, but her and her band shot straight to the top of Trump’s wish-list when he heard they were available for the gig.

2) Mike Pence on spoons

Vice-president elect Mike Pence will be pulling double duty on the 20th; after being sworn in as second-in-command, he’ll be hitting the stage to play the spoons for an hour while whistling a happy tune or two. “Pence, Pence, Pence!”, the crowd will cry.

3) The boys choir from Baron Trump’s school

Dozens of terrified schoolchildren, operating out of fear for what will happen to their parents if they don’t go out there and sing well, will light up the ballroom with a selection of beautiful classic hymns. Baron Trump will stand offstage, mouthing the words ‘I fucking own you’ at them. A rousing finish to the night!