6 Ways To Cheer Someone Up After Their Penis Is Chopped Off In A Horrific Accident

YOU’D think cheering someone up after their penis is chopped off in a horrific accident would be a hard task (pun intended) but actually after trying it out ourselves in the WWN offices we were surprised how easy it was.

After an intern had his penis ripped right off his body following an attempt to resolve a paper jam in the office printer, everyone here at WWN worked tirelessly to cheer him up and we’re happy to report it was a huge success. And we are even happier to share our pearls of wisdom with you below:

1) Remove all phallic objects from his home and place of work. Seems obvious, but remember to a newly penis-less person almost everything will seem phallic in nature.

2) Take him on a holiday but avoid Paris and the Eiffel Tower, any cities with tall skyscrapers. Flat, open land is advised, which leaves you with Holland really. It’s not New York or Paris admittedly, but it’ll do. P.S do not, under any circumstances bring him to the Sex Museum in Amsterdam.

3) If you’re a female, inform him that you also don’t have a penis, and sure you’re doing grand yourself.

4) Resist temptation to aggressively eat bananas in their company, instead why not take them out to feed the ducks. Everybody loves ducks. Just don’t mention the fact that a duck’s penis can grow up to 9 inches in length during mating season.

5) List off all the famous people who had their penises disconnected from their body in an accident but who then went on to have a great auld life. If you can’t think of any off the top of your head, well, you didn’t expect us to do all the heavy lifting, did you?

6) Hype up the many benefits of being penis-less such as wearing skinny jeans without crushing everything. If they’re testicles were also taken in the tragic incident, this is definitely worth a mention.