Vodka & Gherkin Ban Ahead Of Russian Game


THE FRENCH Government has announced an outright ban on vodka and gherkins around the Stade de France this evening, ahead of tonight’s Russia vs France game, in a bid to ease tensions.

All licensed premises and supermarkets in a 5km radius of the stadium have banned all forms of Vodka and pickled gherkins from their shelves, rendering Russian football fans sober and unable to hooligan.

“This completely racist ban,” barked one Russian football fan we spoke to in Paris earlier, who was sitting in a chair instead of throwing one. “Why no ban on wine and croissants?”

“Mother Russia will own this garlic smelling piece of shit country in few years anyway. We will ban all French people from living in France!” he added with his mouth.

The move comes after more than 1,200 riot police were deployed to quell unrest at the previous Russian match, which began when hundreds of supporters, many of them drunk, pelting each other with bottles and chairs in Marseille’s Vieux Port area, like it was 1989 or something.

Following the violence last week, French officials warned rowdy supporters that they will be deported home, along with their football team, if they kept up the rioting and general disregard for Europe and its amazing citizens.

“No vodka, no drunk Russians. No gherkins, no superhuman drinking abilities enabling them to drink longer. Simple,” French Interior Minister Bernard Cazeneuve defended the ban. “To be honest, I don’t know why Russia is in the Euros anyway, but that’s a whole different kettle of fish”.