WWN Guide To Faking The Male Orgasm


WHILE the accounts of joyously fraudulent female convulsions are manifold, the male version of this dishonest, but ultimately empathic practice remains hard to master.

Where there are weekly evening classes on the art of perfecting a faked orgasm for women, there is only hushed whispers in the male sphere and occasional nervous attempts at seeking out advice.

WWN is here to change that, in an effort to open up the dialogue, and say ‘hey, it’s OK to fake it and here’s how’. For the purposes of keeping the male mind focused on the job at hand, discreet substitute words for the male member and its associated works will be used throughout.

Faking the explosion of love juice from your turgid sex spout can be difficult, but believe you me, it is not impossible. Women consider the idea of men pretending to climax all in an effort to spare their partner’s blushes wholly ridiculous, but as many men know it is often the necessary course of action.

Sometimes if you’re tired or have simply had too much to drink your amorous trumpet of titillation simply isn’t ready or willing to bring forth the white fruits of love’s labour and so the dilemma remains; how does one convince their other half that they emptied their can of carnal desire?

The first step is obvious, but one must gorge themselves on the classic clips of the world’s most esteemed actors tackling Shakespeare; Kenneth Brannagh, John Gielgud, Lawrence Olivier and Keith Duffy have all delivered classic performances of Hamlet, and happily their acting faces are so contorted with concentration as to closely resemble a man’s face during climax.

Relentlessly practicing such looks in the mirror will help you achieve a face that will easily convince your partner that the love train has reached its final stop at ejaculation junction, and that you’ve had your ticket validated by a none the wiser ticket inspector, then disembarked the train and headed for the nearest taxi rank in an effort to arrive home in a timely fashion.

What to do about the lack of delightfully desirous discharge? Many substitutes can be sneaked into the bedroom or wherever it is you plan on faking your orgasm. Liquid soap dispensers are a God send in this situation, but beware, it is important to pick one that is white in colour as sneaking some blue or green liquid soap into a condom post-willy-waving can end up with your other half dragging you straight to A&E or even worse; accusing you of possessing alien DNA.

The Shakespearean cumface, the substitute love juice, it all seems obvious when you think about it, but before you set off to put this method into practice you must remember your post-coital performance is as important as your pre-coital and coital-coital performances.

You won’t convince anyone of the joyous heavenly feeling in that porn palace you call your crotch unless you whimper and cry directly after faking it. Make sure to curl up in a ball and rock back and forth repeatedly until your partner says “Jesus, Niall, not this again, you really need to see someone about this”.