Government Increase Pensioner Xmas Bonus After Succesfully Letting Enough Of Them Die

TANAISTE and Minister for Social Protection Joan Burton has today announced that there will be a 50% increase in pensioners’ Christmas bonus payment this year, having successfully thinned out enough of them with years of austerity and cuts to the health care system.

Single pensioners who survived this long will receive €115 this December, while couples who dodged the soil will receive €220.

The “Christmas bonus” payments were controversially cut from social welfare during the height of the downturn. The payments began to make a slight return last year, although the government deemed that another few thousand old people had to die off first  before the bonus could be paid in full.

“First of all, I just want to get in ahead of all the thanks and say you’re welcome, Ireland” said Burton, who will wear a Santa hat from now until Christmas. “The Christmas bonus payment couldn’t be honoured because there was just too many people to pay. But luckily, we made enough cuts to the HSE and to carer packages to cull off a fair amount of them over the past five years.”

The increase in the Christmas bonus also extends to people on the dole, as enough of them have been herded into JobBridge internships or emigrated abroad.