Aries March 21 – April 19

Dance like nobody is watching all you want, we are all watching you and you look like a bollox.

Taurus April 20 – May 20

That’s the dress you’re wearing to your sister’s wedding? Wow. Ok. We’re saying nothing.

Gemini May 21 – June 20

They may only be Play or Park alerts from Topaz, but they still count as someone texting you.

Cancer June 21 – July 22

Another weekend closer to the grave.

Leo July 23 – August 22

How are you going to watch X-Factor without seeing online spoilers for Strictly, which you’re recording at the same time? This is your Saturday from now until Christmas.

Virgo August 23 – September 22

Life is like a box of chocolates. You get less and less each year and it will eventually kill you.

Libra September 23 – October 22

Ah, Christ. The cops believe there’s the body of a murder victim from the 70s buried in your backyard. Your garden is going to be all dug up! You spent all Summer working on that! Bastards!

Scorpio October 23 – November 21

It’s five o’clock somewhere, you tell yourself, kidding yourself that your drinking depends on what time of day it is.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21

Nothing for Sagittarius this week. Move along.

Capricorn December 22 – January 19

In your instance, all combinations of magpies mean sorrow. All birds, for that matter.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18

The Connect 4 loss to your brother you suffered in 1987 continues to haunt you, and so it should.

Pisces February 19 – March 20

Shh, shhh, shh, here he comes, act natural….. Oh hi Pisces, how’re you doing today?