All Tourists To Receive Complimentary Pint Of Guinness, Head Wound

THE Irish tourism board (ITB) has announced a new incentive to attract visitors to Ireland, with a plan that will see every single person who visits our fair island receive a freshly poured pint of Guinness and a gaping head-wound, absolutely free.

A recent poll has shown that despite skyrocketing accommodation and food prices, tourists are still drawn to the Emerald Isle and are willing to flock here in their droves.

However, many expressed worries after reading stories of tourists being attacked in Dublin city centre in broad daylight in random, motiveless assaults launched by assailants fuelled by drink, drugs and pure cuntishness.

This fear of being randomly bottled or stabbed is to be assuaged by a new scheme which will see visitors to Ireland assaulted in a controlled, regulated manner right after they step off the plane, followed by the presentation of a voucher entitling them to a free pint of Guinness, redeemable in any pub in Ireland.

“If you’re a tourist in Ireland, you’re going to get marked for life by someone with a bottle or a knife, so why not get it over and done with before you even get to the luggage carousel?” said Martin Morrison, spokesperson for the ITB.

“Just step off the plane, receive a free gash to the head, then get stapled up and be on your way. Statistics show that people who are bandaged already tend not to get assaulted again, so you’re free to wander around Dublin at your leisure without fear of being jumped by a toerag. Also, a free Guinness! Can’t beat that, eh?”

The scheme is to come into place immediately, and replace the now-dated initiative, which saw everyone who visited Ireland receive a complimentary copy of David Gray’s ‘White Ladder’ and a handful of stew.