WATERFORD man William Shannon has been begged by his family and friends to just try and enjoy sports that aren’t hurling, without griping about how the athletes and competitors aren’t as hardy as hurlers, or how the action is slow-paced compared to a hotly contested All-Ireland quarter-final where there’s ‘sliotairs getting leathered around the place’.
Like thousands of people across Ireland, Shannon is so blinded by the skill and toughness of people who play hurling that he has become unable to watch literally any other sport without statements such as “those American football lads wouldn’t survive a whack of a hurl if they didn’t have them big pads on”, or “that cunt wouldn’t be that fast if he wasn’t on a bicycle”.
Friends of Shannon, 35, have stopped inviting him to the pub with them on Sunday afternoons after growing increasingly tired of having to have conversations about how Tiger Woods may indeed be a skilled golfer, but he couldn’t sink a 15-yard putt “if there was a lad marking him”.
“It started with soccer, William would be constantly getting angry about lads rolling around looking for penalties,” said one long-suffering pal.
“And then it was rugby; rugby players don’t have the finesse to run forty yards balancing a ball on a piece of wood no wider than your hand, apparently. After that, literally any sport whatsoever pales in comparison to hurling. We get it William, you’re 100% right. Phil The Power Taylor couldn’t score 180 if he was getting shoulder-charged while running past the oche. Well done. Now shut the fuck up and let us watch sport in peace”.
Shannon has reacted to his friend’s interview by stating that it lacks the passion and the conviction found in an minor hurler being quizzed after a hard-fought victory in a county final against bitter rivals.