THE GOVERNMENT has finally come clean and admitted that the county known as Kerry was originally Ireland’s answer to Area 51.
Thanks to a Freedom of Information Request made by WWN, we were able to force the government into conceding that Kerry was the area of the country which was exclusively reserved for high tech and controversial government and military experimentation, which explains a lot.
“The phrase ‘there’s something in the water down there’ is actually just a true statement when it comes to Kerry. We spiked the water. As an experiment, the result of which, was Kerry,” explained retired Irish Army Scientist Dr. Helmut Schneer.
Schneer was tasked with concocting all manner of ghastly experiments on the flora and fauna during the 1920s, 30s and 40s on the fenced off land most people will today know as Kerry, mainly in a bid arm Ireland with effective weaponry in the event Britain sought to invade Ireland once again.
“My most regrettable experiment; Swamp man, involved mating a wild pig with an even wilder pig and then mating that pig with an alien who crashed landed to earth from a planet obsessed with tarmacing roads and necking pints. I infused turf and Guinness into its blood stream,” recalled Schneer, he grew too powerful and broke out of his restraints never to be seen again but what I do know is much of Kerry is now populated with his direct descendants”.
“There was a constant trail of vans that used to be going into that place at all hour, big vans with vats of neon looking liquids and then there were the cages which had animals in them, the likes of which I’d never seen before,” one Cork native who lived next door to the top secret facility/country.
While the government has admitted the existence of the experimentation known as Kerry and that they did indeed play God, and that it was a mistake. However, there is little sign they will issue an apology on behalf of the State.