Russia’s loss to Uruguay has put rumours that Putin put the team on performance enhancing drugs to rest, as they were very, very shit.
A Denis Cheryshev own goal and the sending off of Igor Smolnikov certainly helped Uruguay dominate a disappointing Russia which would prompt another less noble publication to make a joke about Vladimir Putin sending them to a gulag or an own goalag but not WWN.
Worry has been expressed for the mind frame of Luis Suarez who has yet to go ‘full bastard’ in the World Cup as is his favourite past time. Psychology experts fear a build up of unreleased bastard-like behaviour could lead to a major bastard explosion in the knock out game against Portugal.
VAR took centre stage yesterday as replays showed the referee in the Portugal Iran game had no idea what he was fucking doing. A gusty performance from Iran saw them and Messi fanboys come agonisingly close to snatching a late win.
A total of 174 incidents went to VAR; first came the decision that Ronaldo’s elbows were found to be made of harmless foam unlike other players and therefore only worthy of a yellow card, then came a penalty call for Iran which saw the referee and VAR officials punish a Portuguese defender for having arms.
In the other game Morocco, the mad bastards, decided to play for pride and pushed Spain to the limit in a dramatic 2-2 draw and finally allowed your Dad the opportunity to squeeze in his ‘they tried Moroccan the boat’ pun.
Over on RTÉ the panel were frustrated by the constant VAR drama but the stress will be eased with the news that Liam Brady is to be placed on an intensive 8 years course in order to understand VAR does not work the way he says it does.
Eamon Dunphy has made some headlines online for claiming Roy Keane’s punditry shows he ‘knows nothing about the game’, keen eyed viewers then pointed out if anyone was able to spot evidence of a pundit with an insultingly low levels of knowledge about contemporary football who just talked shite without ever doing any research it was definitely Dunphy.
TV viewers have now formed a support group to help them get over repeated airings of the Maroon 5 Hyundai ad. “Make it stop” is most repeated phrase at these meetings. Encouragingly, it is believed plans are afoot to launch Maroon 5 into space in a pod filled with the world’s most deadly animals.
In other news FIFA president Gianni Infantino has been Googling ‘how many Russian rubles in cash can you bring into Switzerland without having to declare it’.
Today’s fixtures will ultimately see Lionel Messi’s entire career judged on one game against Nigeria by people who are still picked last during 5-a-side astro games with their mates.