HEY there, and welcome to Lovin’ Moscow. Got something special planned for one of your former comrades who now lives in a foreign country after seeking asylum due to leaking loads and loads of your very best state secrets? Well, you’re in luck! Today we’re going to show you how to make the absolute best lethal nerve agent, plus as a bonus we’re going to show you how to deploy it on foreign soil without getting into any trouble. Yum!
1) Choose the right substance
If you had guests coming over to your house for dinner for the second time, would you serve them the same meal? No! So it’s the same when you’re killing people in cold blood. You could opt to poison them with polonium, but you played that hand with Litvinenko a few years ago. What, you want to get known as ‘the polonium guy’? Keep things fresh; try something new, such as the nerve agent we’re about to show you.
2) Deploy with style
Execution isn’t just about the killing of a person, any covert government agency can walk up to someone and shoot them. No, for maximum style points, you want to do things as stealthily and as unexpected as you can. Learn your target’s life. Blend in seamlessly. Then Bam, nerve agent their ass. You’ll thank yourself in the end, when your assassination attempt goes unnoticed for half an hour before the entire world realises exactly who did it.
3) Accept the consequences of your actions
LOL! Fooled you there. You’re not going to have to accept shit. Just say you didn’t do it, and if people don’t believe, you, so what? What are they going to do? Make a lot of noise and then realise who they’re dealing with, before backing off and brushing the issue under the carpet? Yeah, thought so, bitches.
4) Move on
You’re only as good as your last home-cooked meal, or in this case, public execution on foreign soil. So move on to the next target as quickly as possible. That’ll let everyone in your own country know what happens to traitors, and your fellow nations know exactly who they’re dealing with. We’re lovin’ Russia… for your sake, you should too.