NIGEL Farage, former UKIP leader and current CEO of Nigel Farage Inc., is entering stage 5 of a 5 stage decontamination process which he says will ‘make him feel clean again’ after a short visit to Ireland at the weekend, where he spoke at a Eurosceptic forum in the RDS.
Farage had been a guest speaker at the sold-out ‘Irexit: Freedom To Prosper’ event, as well as a packed Trinity College function earlier in the day and Marian Finucane’s RTÉ radio show, where he complained about being ‘constantly silenced by the media’.
Having completed his trip to a captivated crowd of what he refers to as ‘blight dodgers’, Farage hurried back to the sterile safety of the UK, where he began the 89 hour process of ‘washing the Paddy stink off himself’.
“Mr. Farage, he’ll show up anywhere to rouse up a crowd, prattle on about freedom and the EU and so on… but it does mean he has to come into contact with a lot of filthy foreign scum,” said Dr. Kenneth Whalmson-Chalmerton, head of Mr. Farage’s personal decontamination clinic.
“As such, whenever he gets back from a filthy, sub-human place like Ireland, he’ll spend a few days in the ‘tank’ as we call it, bathing in a sterilising solution to make sure he hasn’t contracted anything nasty. Then we scrub him down in hazmat suits for a few hours, and get right into his nail-beds and up his hole and in his ears and so on. It’s tough on Mr. Farage, but he loves the thrill of people cheering when he tells them exactly what they want to hear… especially when he won’t suffer in the slightest when they take his advice and ruin their lives with it”.
Although the decontamination process is expensive, Farage’s €100,000 pension from the EU he hates more than covers it.