Tag: news

Government Denying ‘Circuit Break’ Lockdown Surest Sign Yet We’ll Have ‘Circuit Break’ Lockdown

WITH THE Taoiseach pouring cold water on the Tánaiste’s suggestion that Ireland could go into a ‘circuit break’ short and sharp lockdown, the Irish public have immediately resigned themselves to lockdown 2.0 becoming a reality imminently. “Say no more, lockdown it is, ” responded the public when told by the government that a lockdown was… Read more »

“You Can Fucking Keep It”: Martin Dramatically Hands Taoiseach Role Back To Varadkar

THE government’s ‘revolving Taoiseach’ arrangement has spun its first revolution, with Micheál Martin now ‘more than willing’ to hand it back over to Leo Varadkar, after a tumultuous few months in power which has averaged a damaging cock up every six minutes. “I honestly didn’t think he’d last this long” smirked Varadkar, reading an email… Read more »

Pulling Out Of The Pull-Out Method: How These Brave Irish Men Copped The Fuck On

THE TRIED and tested contraceptive method beloved by Irish men for centuries is under fresh scrutiny after women have confirmed ‘enough with this bullshit’, GASH can confirm. “What’s that?” responded 90% of Irish men recently surveyed about the existence of condoms. “But it doesn’t feel as good,” they added despite claiming to have never heard… Read more »

These Are The Level 3 Fines The Government Are Considering

WITH THE news the government is looking into implementing fines for non-essential cross county travel and non-compliance when it comes to wearing masks on public transport ranging from €50-€200, WWN has sought to satisfy the public’s demand for more information on the full range of fines. Are the following fines a good deterrent against belligerents… Read more »

Off-Licence Shelves Lay Empty With 4 Mile Queues Following Threat To Curb Hours

REMINISCENT of the first initial lockdown which saw people hoarding toilet roll ahead of a nationwide lockdown, hundreds of thousands of panicked consumers took to their local off-licences this week as the government openly contemplated reducing hours in some kind of deranged social experiment. “Yeah great idea, assholes,” remarked 2,356th in the queue for Maddigans… Read more »