Vatican To Publish ‘Even Newer Testament’ In Bid To Boost Revenues


WITH a new forward written by God, the Vatican is hoping the Catholic Church’s Covid-hit revenues can bounce back with the introduction of ‘The Bible, Now With Even Newer Testaments’ to book shop shelves.

“It’s rare enough to get God to a write a forward to a book so we’re very grateful, even if his literary agent asked for a big fee upfront,” said head of revenue at the Vatican, Fr Domenico Gatti.

Wanting to build buzz and anticipation the Vatican remains tight lipped on who has penned the newer testaments but rumours continue to swirl.

“If they go too commercial with it and get celebrities to write them I’m not interested,” said one devout Catholic, who was angered by rumours TikTok star Charli D’Amelio and pop star Harry Stlyes have been approached to pen the new pages.

The Bible, a New York Times bestseller had been overdue a sequel according to literary critic Michael B. Cummings.

“The Bible is great IP, it rivals Lord of the Rings for revenue potential but it just has to be managed properly. I’ve heard Disney have approached the Vatican to buy the rights to the franchise in a deal similar to the George Lucas Stars Wars deal. I think if this new updated book doesn’t get big sales they should sell,” offered Cummings.

Other revenue generating measures include at NFT of the crucifixion of Christ, disbanding the ‘cover up for the paedophiles’ departments.