Local Man Has Genuine Talent For Picking Worst Pubs On Night Out


THE ability to ruin a night out by bringing your party to the shadiest bar in town is not a skill people tend to hone over time, but it’s the only way to explain how Dublin man Kenneth Longwater manages to do it every single weekend according to his friends.

“At this stage, it can’t be an accident. He has to be practicing this,” said on of Longwater’s pals as the 33-year-old went up to get a round of drinks while being eyed up for a stabbing in at one of Dublin’s most dangerous bars.

“He has to be looking up one-star places on TripAdvisor, there’s no other way to explain how he brings us to shithole after shithole, night after night. That place he brought us last week, I drove by it the other day. Burned to the ground. I’ve seen HSE lads with hazmat suits outside another one. It’s a talent of his, a genuine skill”.

Second to Longwater’s slum-seeking skills are his skills of persuasion, with friends divulging that he always makes great arguments for heading to his pub of choice, while simultaneously pulling some ‘Jedi mind trick shit’ to convince everyone that the nice-looking pub across the road is of ill-repute.

“He’ll say, ‘we’re not going to that pub, that’s where Christy Brown died’ or something like that, then lead us like the Pied Piper into a bar called ‘The Hate Box’2 sighed one weary friend, drinking a sludgy beer out of a dirty glass while getting filthy looks from everyone in the atmosphere-deficient bar for having the audacity to wear matching shoes.