DISPLAYING a level of compassionate selflessness not seen since the days of Jesus Christ, outgoing US president Donald Trump has pulled another all-nighter in his White House lab, working on yet another Covid-19 busting vaccine. “Bless him, he hasn’t left that lab in months,” confirmed one aide unaware Trump was simply trying to look busy… Read more »
IN THE SUREST sign yet that the market for effective Covid-19 vaccines has become increasingly competitive, pharmaceutical producer Moderna have announced that not only is their mRNA vaccine 94.5% effective but it will also come with a free toy. “These arms aren’t going to prick themselves with vaccines, we need to entice people beyond just… Read more »
THE QUICK-ACTING Vintners Association has announced the introduction of over 5,000 vending machines nationwide which will be installed in every pub and will contain the newly founded Covid-19 vaccine, WWN has learned. Costing €20 a syringe, customers can self-inject themselves upon entry to their local bar without having to worry about signing their names or… Read more »
HERALDED the world over as the key to ending our pandemic ravaged lives, Pfizer and BioNTech have confirmed the key part one Irish intern at their Ringaskiddy, Cork plant played in their newly unveiled vaccine. “The vaccine was about 5% effective until this little idiot intern spilled flat 7UP all over some samples we were… Read more »
FRESH from the Taoiseach revealing he only learned about the recent, probably fairly inconsequential collapse of the country’s contact tracing system via an Irish Times article, today has brought yet another embarrassing incident for the hapless three-party government. “Eh, sorry lads,” shared a sheepish Minister for Health Stephen Donnelly to firemen arriving at the scene… Read more »
“NO-ONE could have foreseen that the HSE would need increased resources and supports in areas such as contact tracing coming into winter,” confirmed the government as it announced plans to hand over the responsibility for contact tracing to local Facebook groups throughout the villages and towns of Ireland. A hotbed of local intrigue and rumour,… Read more »
FEARS are increasing that there will be a need for a second, separate inquiry into authorities’ failure to prevent Covid-19 clusters in nursing homes when it almost inevitably occurs a second time, even though the inquiry into how it happened the first time has yet to start. “Feck sake, not another possibly avoidable batch of… Read more »
THE HSE are confident that their supplies of personal protection equipment will ‘hold firm’ over the treacherous winter months ahead, after investing in a number of litter-picker-upper tools and a big box of Daz. “Walk around any town, any hedgerow, any lane; masks are more plentiful than blackberries. Some people are just throwing them away!”… Read more »
DENYING all accusations that he is being stubborn and obstinate, one local Waterford man has vowed to condemn himself to a life of strained squinting instead of getting his eyes tested, WWN can reveal. Cormac Carton (53) has in recent years felt a serious decline in his vision, finding it increasingly hard to see things… Read more »
WITH THE news the government is looking into implementing fines for non-essential cross county travel and non-compliance when it comes to wearing masks on public transport ranging from €50-€200, WWN has sought to satisfy the public’s demand for more information on the full range of fines. Are the following fines a good deterrent against belligerents… Read more »