How To Further Infuriate The Liverpool Fans In Your Life


BY NOW the nuclear explosion of rage experienced by Liverpool fans in the wake of their 2-1 loss to Spurs (feat. VAR) has reduced to a much more manageable simmering volcanic eruption of hate.

The decent thing to do would be to sympathise with your friend, family member, loved one or coworker however, football did not become the sport loved around the world for such things.

It’s time to rub salt in the wounds, add fuel to the fire and go for cigarette break when you’re asked to check an offside decision. Here’s how on to aggravate the Liverpool fans in your life:

Presumably you’ve already done your worst scouse accent and said ‘calm down’ for 48 hours straight.

“Replay the game? What next, travel back in time to kill baby Fergie so United never have their period of dominance? You big babies”.

Suddenly increase your use of words containing ‘var’ such as calvary, varnish, varsity, convariance, prevaricate, avaricious, boulevards and aardvarks. If a Liverpool fan was to accuse you of doing so, just convince them they are crazy. “You know I’m always talking about aardvarks Dave, you’re losing it man”.

Aside from insisting you don’t know what they’re so enraged by, point out that you feel your team has actually suffered a bigger VAR injustice.

“Spurs deserved the win so the VAR stuff is irrelevant”.

“Didn’t see that” – whether they are asking if you’ve binged a new TV show, seen Diaz’s goal or if you’re called as a witness to a car crash in which they were injured, this phrase is the only one you should utter all week.

Every time they suggest they have been wronged by a VAR error, look at them as if they’ve just said ‘jet fuel can’t melt flat earth vaccines’.

Adopt a mocking tone when saying the following sentence “Oh my God you’re right, the VAR lad refereeing in the UAE days before this game is proof they’ve been paid off by Man City’s owners”.

“Liverpool should have been down to 8 men if anything”.

Shave your head and dress in a black shirt and shorts to trigger a traumatic PTSD flashback to a referee fucking over their team.