Not Enough Coke In Colombia To Get Don Jr. Through This One
COLOMBIAN drug cartel chiefs have issued concerns about their ability to supply enough narcotics to keep Donald Trump Jr. pepped ahead of his father’s upcoming trial, WWN has learned.
The 45-year-old hasn’t slept in over nine days during the lead-up to his dad’s indictment on 37 counts of mishandling confidential government documents and is said to be getting through brick after brick of marching powder in a bid to livestream his every thought on the matter through the medium of poorly created memes and questionable soundbites.
Residents living near Trump Jr’s Florida home have been urged to ignore the drumming sound of his heart beating out of his chest as he gets through more lines than Bart Simpson at a school blackboard.
“Don Jr. is taking what can only be described as Maradona levels of blow,” an aide informed us.
“When he’s not waffling on a video call to a Republican news channel while not blinking for 5 minutes straight during tirades about those who ‘are going to suffer when the truth comes out’, he’s on the phone to his contacts in Colombia to see what the hold-up is with today’s shipment,” adding, “he’s making so much noise about Donald’s arrest, his dad can’t continue ignoring him any more”.