Farmers Parading Daughters Around Doonbeg: How Locals Are Greeting Donald Trump

RECEIVING a hero’s welcome yesterday evening, Donald Trump is the toast of county Clare.

And while not everyone is cheering Trump, many of the country’s foremost gombeen eejits travelled great distances to greet the man himself.

WWN caught up with them and heard their stories and warm welcomes, including a not insignificant amount of farmers looking to offload some daughters:

“She’s blonde like Ivanka but unlike Ivanka not actually your daughter so it’s all above board” – local farmer Con Carmully shouted to Trump over a fence at his golf course.

“Sure didn’t he fix the road” – one very confused local said.

“Ah I just love him, he tells it like it is. The way he’s racist, sexist, more racist again and no one calls him out on it, unlike my dose family” – Wexford resident, Tommy Kilmartin.

“I don’t normally like orangemen, but this one gave my useless son a job cleaning tables in the hotel so the feud is over” – local father John McHale.

“Some people say his hair looks like a mop used to wipe the floor of the gent’s toilet but I happen to think it’s lovely” – Kilkenny resident, Mairead Henley.

“I loved him in Home Alone 2, that’s what he’s still largely known for, right?” – local film enthusiast Michelle D’Arcy.

“Donald! Donald! Donald! Look, I made this bust of your head from a combination of my pubic hair, discarded beer mats and the wife’s tampons” – local conceptual sculptor Dinny Hautin.

“She’s no oil painting but you’d probably find some use for her maybe she could carry your golf bag, she has sturdy legs but don’t just take my word for it have a feel there yourself, good man” – farmer Con Carmully, trying to offload a second daughter.