What Sentences Would These Notorious Criminals Get In Irish Courts Today?


ACCUSED AT times of maddening and incomprehensible leniancy which offends victims of crimes, the Irish judiciary is coming in for renewed criticism after a series of cases involving suspended sentences for grievous crimes.

WWN, wanting to show that such frustrations are the fault of the stupid public who have no appreciation for the vagaries of the law, presented a number of Irish judges with the outline of cases involving the world’s most notorious criminals (their names redacted) and asked them what punishment if any they would garner were they to come before the courts:

Pol Pot

“Who among us hasn’t every now and again fallen prey to our own ill temper? Would we not be the kettle to Mr Pot if I were to impose a prison sentence? Mr Pot, it is a suspended sentence I shall give to you today, but don’t think of it suspended over you like a sword of Damocles, just go out and enjoy your life, have a bit of craic”.

Ted Bundy

“I appreciate the suffering the victims and their families have been put through but at the end of the day he has a character reference from a local priest so…”

Charles Ponzi

“We must retain a sense of perspective in a world which seeks to distort it, Mr Ponzi is not a good for nothing cannabis smoker, he is an honest businessman who let his love of pyramids unduly influence his conduct. I would consider it an honour to invest in whatever business venture he chooses to start once I let him free from this court momentarily”.

Bonnie and Clyde

“The purpose of this court is not to provide ‘an eye for an eye’ style of mob justice. I am assured by the accused and I am tended to believe in their contrition when they say they got an awful fright firing those guns and robbing those banks. And that the tears of those they were tormenting were quite upsetting to witness. Lesson learned”.

Fred and Rose West

“Why this case has even passed the threshold for prosecution and has come before the courts in the first place is a mystery, this is a matter for Tusla”.

Mark “Chopper” Read

“With the considerable number of previous convictions I have no option but to declare you a scamp and a rapscallion. Now off home with you!”

Your mate who smoked a spliff last year

“A custodial sentence is the regrettable justice I choose as a warning to others, in addition to the 20 year sentence once free the plaintive is not permitted within 5 miles of a plant of any description, cannabinoid in nature or not”.

Harold Shipman

“To come into a court and impune the reputation of someone I would summise could be a fellow member of my golf club is unconscionable, truly Malum Impunis In Extremis. And while it is not in my power to direct the jury to call for a defunct punishment such as the death penalty, I would be tempted to do so, but for the accusers in this case”.

Jeffrey Epstein

“These alleged crimes are admittedly on the lower end of the scale of sexual crimes and surely being brought before the courts is punishment and shame enough”.