Ryan Urges People To Stop Existing During Peak Hours To Shore Up Energy Security

AMONG the tips the Department of Environment are issuing to the public as part of plans to shore up Ireland’s energy security this winter include advice to simply stop existing during peak hours for energy consumption.

“Around 4pm to 7pm is when the energy grid is in most demand, so we’re asking people if they could cease their very beings during this period,” asked Minister Eamon Ryan.

“How one does this is something my department is still working on, maybe it’s just like playing a game of statues and standing perfectly still for 3 hours while consuming no energy whatsoever,” continued Ryan.

As part of forthcoming budget measures it is rumoured €100mn will be invested in ‘energy cages’ which Irish people can place themselves in to make sure they don’t accidentally boil a kettle between 4pm and 7pm. Every family in the country will be sent an energy cage along with a tranquiliser dart they can self-administer during peak hours.

Ryan also asked people to stop heating rooms in their homes that they’re not using.

“Cheers for that Eamon, I was forever doing that, I was even heating rooms I didn’t have like a complete eejit. That must be why my energy bill is high and our grid is under so much pressure; not the fact companies are raising prices for energy as wholesale prices actually drop by 10% or that data centres account for more and more of total energy consumption,” offer one local, who was kicking themselves for also running the shower and sticking the hob on while not using them.

One novel solution suggested by Families For Affordable Bills, could see people move in with TDs and stick all bills on their Dáil expenses.