What A Sinn Féin First Minister Means According To The Fevered Nightmares Of Arlene Foster

TECHNICALLY you are already breaking the law by attempting to read this article in English if you’re resident in Northern Ireland as ‘curry my yogurt’ Irish is the new official language, as outlined in Arlene Foster’s fevered dreams.

Using special sectarian science WWN has obtained the nightmares of Arléné Ní Fóstér and can reveal just what is in store for God-fearing, Queen-licking Unionists under a power-sharing executive led by a Sinn Féin first minister:

Stormont could sit for more than two days a year.

The sea border between Northern Ireland and Britain will be moved to the Indian ocean, the new de-plantation location for Unionists.

Goods from Britain will be subject to 32 checks, one for each county on the island.

Green, white and orange Union Jacks everywhere.

Carson statue at Stormont replaced by 50ft replica of Gerry Adams’ beard.

Unionist cakes are illegal.

Piers Morgan has been infiltrated by the IRA.

The 12th of July bonfires can be no higher than a single pallet.

MLAs subject to a Sri Lankan travel ban.

What movies DUP representatives rent when in hotels will now come under review.

Sammy Wilson’s moustache will be forcibly shaved with the proceeds being donated to Catholic sufferers of alopecia.

Everyday lives of impoverished Unionist communities being improved by policies spearheaded by Sinn Féin.