Nation Can’t Help But Take Small Bit Of Pride In Success Of Kinahan Cartel

THE announcement by US drug enforcement agencies that a local drug gang ranks ‘up there with the Yakuza or the Russian mafia’ in terms of size and power has prompted a tiny bit of COYBIG energy in Irish hearts today.

At a briefing attended by the DEA, the US department of Homeland Security, Europol, the UK National Crime Agency, Thunderbirds, the Famous Five, the Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers and the Garda Síochána, the breadth of the billion-dollar Kinahan drug empire was laid bare for all to see, prompting mixed reactions back home.

“I know the road to success in the drug game is paved with mayhem, pain and death. But still, you have to kinda hand it to them,” said one man we spoke to on the streets of Waterford.

“Could they give me a few quid, could they? Ha ha! Ah, I’m only messing. But seriously, dreadful carry on. Mind you, I kinda don’t want them to be caught? Is that bad? It’s just been years since we’ve been at the top of anything. We haven’t won the Eurovision since 1996, give us something,” added another.

“It’s a relief that the Americans are after them now, it doesn’t make our efforts over the last few years look so bad hindsight,” a patrolling guard told us in the Kinahan’s ancestral home of Tallaght.

Meanwhile a bounty of $15m dollars has been offered for information leading to the arrest of the Kinahan family, pushing them past the realms of drug barons, straight into supervillain territory.