THE government are on the hunt for the nation’s foremost graphmen, reply guys, zero-follower Twitter accounts and Journal.ie commentators to form a replacement for NPHET, in a bid to navigate the next phase of the Covid pandemic.
With thousands of new Covid cases being detected every day and hospital’s breaking points at breaking point, it’s hoped that this new smaller NPHET team will deliver the on-the-spot decisiveness and infallibility men 40 and over who just got a smartphone for Christmas can deliver.
“I was delighted to get the call from the government to step up and help, and I’d like to assure everyone that yes, the pubs will stay open,” said Larry McCarthy, famed during the pandemic for posting ‘open the pubs’ up to 90 times a day.
“We’re going to adopt a much more ‘it’s grand’ approach this time, more of a ‘head down, plough on’ vibe. As a middle-aged man with no underlying conditions, I’ll be opting for guidelines that help middle-aged men with no underlying conditions.
“Everyone else, well, we’ve all got to go sometime, now you wouldn’t selfishly want the world to stop turning just because you’ve got some immune system issues now, would you? Besides, I saw a graph the other day that says that even though hospital numbers are going up, everything is fine. I forget where I saw it, but the government have said that it’s fine by them”.
The new group have also stated that it isn’t sure what ‘data modelling’ or ‘peer reviewed’ means, but they’re certain it’s just some lazy millennial woke snowflake ‘wants to work from home’ shite.
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