“Ah, You Get Used To It After A While” Recovering Abramovich Says Of Poisoning

THE VICTIM of an apparent poisoning as he attended a meeting aimed at ending the Russian war in Ukraine, Roman Abramovich has said it wasn’t all that bad and that you get used to the life endangering effects, WWN can confirm.

“It’s basically a mild case of the Guinness shits, after the 5th or 6th shit in a weird way you kind of start to enjoy it,” explained Abramovich who has been microdosing poison for two decades in a bid to build up a tolerance to Putin no longer having any use for him.

“I suppose it’s a bit like someone who hasn’t gotten Covid yet, you start to feel left out. All your friends, who survive, talk about it, have the banter. A Russian who hasn’t been poisoned by Putin and his cronies, I was a laughing stock,” added Abramovich, who said that looking like Andy Serkis dragged through a bush wasn’t a side effect and just what he looked like.

The source and method of the poisoning remains unknown but speculation suggests the poison could have come via chocolate and water Abramovich consumed. However a chocolatier, who absolutely isn’t in the FSB, questioned in relation to the incident said he was visiting a nearby cathedral in his capacity as an innocent tourist at the time.

Authorities have said it is too early to rule as suspects any of the 158 ex-Chelsea managers sacked by Abramovich during his ownership of the London club.

Elsewhere, local man Andy Slattery put on record his sympathy and having himself eaten an Indian last night is happy to confirm he knows exactly what Abramovich is going through.