‘He’s Definitely A Little Shit’: Judging Kids Exiting School While You Wait For Your Perfect Little Angel


JUDGING children leaving school is a great way of passing the time while you wait for your own precious little angel, so here’s a handy guide to speculating on the character of school kids for your own personal enjoyment.

Locating potential upstarts from a young age is a very natural parental instinct and you should not feel any shame in pinpointing little shits from 100 yards away.

Overly animated, shaved headed, overweight red-cheeked boys wearing filthy uniforms are prime for profiling, especially when their pyjama wearing mother is bellowing plumes of blue cigarette smoke from their ’01 Toyota Corolla, littered with years of built-up happy meals, is double parked outside.

No wonder Tanya isn’t paying attention in school these days, she’s probably too busy being distracted by this destructive little scut. Like, where is the father? Make a note for the next teacher meeting to make sure her kid is not sitting anywhere near yours.

Wait a minute, is that child wearing a headscarf? Of course, you’ve no issue with different religions, but surely allowing displays of beliefs into St Joseph’s National School will spark demands from your school uniform abiding daughter like ‘I want a scarf too’.

God forbid, you didn’t buy two pleated skirts for another pupil to come in and wear whatever she bloody well liked. What next, trousers for schoolgirls? Please. You don’t want Tanya to start that ‘they’ business. No wonder the world’s gone cracked.

That young lad is very tall for his age. He could literally push you around if he wanted, nevermind anyone in his class or the teachers. Do they even check birth certs in school these days? He could be one of those predators. Always smiling too. Very polite and very suss. Scary when you think about it. Keep an eye on that one.

Oh, here we go, a young one lighting up a cigarette. Not a fucking care in the world. Parents probably never at home. Her whole life ahead of her filled with drugs and alcohol abuse. Probably end up as a prostitute on the street. Tanya! Got that poison out of your mouth now!