Sue Gray Report Coming In Handy For Tories Who Blacked Out During Parties


TORY MPs have stressed yet again that their ongoing line that they ‘have no recollection of the parties investigated by Sue Gray’ isn’t just party spin; they genuinely have no memory of the event, due to excessive alcohol consumption.

The news comes as police officers investigating the Downing Street Party case have been handed over 300 photos of the event, which they will edit together to create a montage set to ‘Spin Me Right Round’ by Flo Rida, much like what plays over the end credits of the 2009 comedy classic The Hangover.

“So that’s how I ended up with this tattoo on my arse!” laughed one right dishonourable gentleman, after receiving a sneak peak at the incriminating evidence which could bring down the government but probably won’t.

“Aha! My husband was convinced that I cheated on him at the party, but these pictures prove that I had passed out drunk by half eight so that’s impossible,” sighed another relieved Tory MP, before getting on her phone to let her husband know the divorce is off.

“I wonder if I could get a look through the complete set of photos, I need to find out at what point I lost my watch, and maybe even track down the bugger who stole it,” said prime minister Boris Johnson, for whom the report continues to be a needling pain in his arse.

Meanwhile other MPs and Downing Street officials have admitted that the new allegation that the party included a loud sing-along to an ABBA medley does indeed sound vaguely familiar now that you mention it.