Is It Possible To Do A Number 2 Without Doing A Number 1? We Investigate


A SEEMINGLY IMPOSSIBLE premise that has plagued the great scientific minds from Curie to Einstein to whoever Elon Musk pays to write his cringe inducing tweets.

But despite the level of interest, there has been no large scale study into whether it is possible to ‘drop the kids off at the pool’ without adding a little splash. Until now.

Researchers at the University of Stoolwater, Ohio took up challenge of proving a urine free poo session on the toilet seat was possible and now after a 5 year long study, the results are in.

“We made sure one test subject was severely dehydrated to honestly, the point of death. Then we loaded them up with the spiciest vindaloo we could find. The perfect urine free poo conditions, and yet, despite this the subject still managed to urinate like a busted dam,” shared Dr. Conor Brommell.

Among the innovative measures taken included hiring a hypnotist who specialised in bladder control.

“Doesn’t matter the type of number 2s either; the butt nugget, the Big Brown Kahuna, the slip sliders, there was urine each time”.

“We’re talking your poo canoes, your Shitknots, the thunder from down under, ‘Diarrhea’ directed by Tim Burton. No matter the shade of shit you do, you’re tinkling as you poo,” Dr. Brommell confirmed.

“A test subject from France got close, but he ruptured his bladder trying to hold it in. Ha, no we didn’t know you could rupture that either. That was a fun day. He started screaming from the pain and we just thought it was constipation but then he was urinating like a fire hose out of control and he was dropping off some new residents to brown town. We still haven’t got those walls cleaned from that day,” added Dr. Brommell, a clear sadness in his voice over the fact his dreams of a Nobel Prize are dead for now.