Under Pressure Johnson Scales Newly Refurbished Big Ben

FEARING that his ‘nobody told me the parties in 10 Downing St where against the rules I personally set up and repeatedly reminded the public to adhere to or else’ excuse wasn’t as airtight as he first thought, an even more frazzled than usual Boris Johnson, arse crack showing, has scaled to the top of Big Ben.

“I’m not hiding, that’s what walk-in fridge freezers are for. I’m just admiring the refurbishments, what craftsmanship!” a chest beating Johnson screamed, while cupping his ear in the direction of journalists on the ground in an effort to communicate that he could not hear their intense questioning.

“You’re probably asking me how I can tell such barefaced lies day in, day out, or why I don’t just come out and say I think the general public are moronic plebs but sadly I cannot hear you,” Johnson added, admiring Big Ben’s glass work.

Now taking a closer look at the result of five years worth of painstaking refurbishment on the iconic clock tower, Johnson grabbed onto the hour hand, completely ignoring the fact Prince Andrew was hiding atop Big Ben too.

“Nobody told me dangling from the hour hand of a clock tower was dangerous,” a fearful Johnson now shouted, as a worried Jacob Rees Mogg fetched his Edwardian era bicycle-powered plane to attempt a recuse effort.

“Wow, the refurbishment only cost £80mn? You can tell I wasn’t in charge of that, if I was I would have given the contract to Matt Hancock’s neighbour for £500mn,” continued Johnson, reaching that point in a movie where the villain inexplicable reveals his dastardly intentions in a meandering monologue.

“And of course, I couldn’t give a shit 150,000 people are dead from Covid on my watch, I’m only interested in punishing the poor for the mess created by Tory donors”.