Government Launch New Compulsory Containment Balls For School Children

PLASTIC see-through balls for the country’s half a million school going children are set to become the government’s latest guideline in the battle against Covid, with the introduction of self-containment balls expected to be rolled out in the new year.

Despite zero stockists of the new line of protection, and a price tag of 100 euros per unit, the plastic shields will become compulsory from January 6th across every school in the country.

“You can buy them from Wish, or one of those worldwide websites,” Minister for Health Stephen Donnelly advised frantic parents looking to know where to source the government’s latest concoction, “and no we will not be subsidising them, this is to protect your children and is absolutely your responsibility – we just make the rules, we don’t pay for them”.

The balls come after repeated calls to address ventilation issues in the country’s dated schools, forcing teachers and children into cold classrooms as doors and windows are left open.

“Who’d have thought packing small airtight rooms full of children during an airborne pandemic was going to create the perfect conditions for transmission,” dozens of NPHET health officials employed by the government gasped suddenly in disbelief, “boy, that one took ages to figure out, good thing we thought of it in the nick of time”.

Meanwhile, the Department of Education has urged schools to use a sledgehammer to break holes in the classroom walls for the time being, anything but using proven-to-work HEPA filters.

“We will recommend such filters when we find a close friend to contract the distribution to,” a government source stated.